Tardis Sauce (fish sauce condiment)


Time began and time will end. In between stars are born and over slow eons burn to cold black rock as galactic civilizations rise then disappear. The Time Lords have seen it all (more than once) and know there is one great constant – fish sauce. Fermented fish sauce or paste may be the truest test of greatness for a culture; no great cuisine exists without some variant. The Time Lords have made their own contribution to this tradition – Tardis Sauce – drawing elements from many worlds and epochs this version of the recipe is based on readily available terran ingredients.




1/8 cup soy sauce

1/4 cup oyster sauce

1/8 cup Worcestershire sauce

1/8 cup Nuoc Mam sauce

1/2 tablespoon grated horseradish

2-tablespoon dry mustard

1-tablespoon lemon juice

1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper

1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper




Mix in a bowl. Let the flavors blend for at least an hour. Use as a marinade or a basting sauce or condiment. Store in a jar in the refrigerator.

Colorado Mutilated Cattle Barbecued Ribs


Method 1


You will need:

Surgical instruments or pumped-energy cutting beam


Large bowl



Working quickly and silently, immobilize the cow and remove all of the following:

eyes, udder, sexual organs, anus, tongue, lips, soft organs and one ear.

Remove the hide and flesh from the jaw and beneath the ear.

Place items in the bowl. Save for later use, whatever that may be.


Method 2




Beef short ribs – 6 lbs


Dutch Oven or large cast iron pan


garlic – 4-6 cloves
garlic powder – 1 tsp
black peeper 1 -tsp
1-tablespoon salt
1-tablespoon dry mustard
1/4 tsp cayenne pepper
2-tablespoon  Anacho or Colorado ground pepper
2-tablespoon chipotle powder
thyme – pinch
1-tablespoon vinegar
1-tablespoon soy sauce
1/4 cup Barbecue sauce
8 oz apple juice



Mix marinade
Cut (score crisscross) or remove silver skin on bone side of ribs. Let marinate for 4 to 24 hours
Place on grill over very low heat. Add hard wood to grill and let meat smoke for at least 30 minutes.
Remove from grill.

Pour remainder of marinade and some Barbecue sauce over ribs (about quarter cup liquid)

Slow cook in tightly sealed Dutch oven at low heat (250F) for 4 hours. Drain.
Prepare ribs per recipe, arrange gruesomely on platter and serve

iFong-791 (Honored Relative)


The Volarians have a saying “Every meal a wake, every bite a funeral.” This dish was contributed by a Volarian subjugata visiting our restaurant on her pilgrimage to a votive funerary dinning festival on her home world. When she prepared the dish, she told us it was her sister, and her recipe. You will need the flesh of one relative (ancestors  are best) preferably well aged, however any relative will do. Although Volarians see this as a welcome opportunity to honor esteemed relatives or be rid of annoying ones, you may substitute lamb, beef or pork (long or other variety) but no homage will be gained if a substitute is made. This version is completely legal in most of the galaxy; an opportunity lost.



1 pound protein
2 tablespoons roasted Sichuan chilies
6 chopped garlic
1 tablespoons minced ginger
1 tablespoons garlic powder
2 tablespoons hot pepper powder
1 tablespoons five spice powder
2 tablespoons cumin
1 tablespoons sea salt
1/2 cup peanut oil (or other high smoke oil)
1/4 cup sesame oil
1/2 cup black soy sauce
1/4 cup soy sauce
1/4 sweet rice vinegar
2 tablespoons black vinegar



chop garlic and ginger finely and mix with dry ingredients.

Add liquids.

Add enough of the mixture to cover protein. Marinate at least one hour

Noodle dough directions:

1. Combine 2 cups of all purpose flour with ¾ cup water, ½ teaspoon salt, and 1 tablespoon of vegetable oil in a large bowl. Knead by hand for 15 minutes until the dough gets softer and sticks together firmly.

2. Roll the dough out into a large rectangular shape

3. Flour the face of the dough and fold over length wise. You should have a long narrow strip of dough. Pinch the seam to close it.

4. Cut the dough across its length into one inch 1 1/2 sections.

5. Put the dough into a plastic bag and keep it in the refrigerator.


Make noodles

1. Bring a large pot of water to a boil

2. Take a dough section and hold the ends in each hand

3. Pull and stretch it between both hands. The dough should be stretched between your left hand and right like a string. It should be about 1 inch wide.

4. Moving your hands up and down slap the dough on the counter until it stretches out. It should stretch to about 30 inches

5. The dough should look like a limp rubber band; using your fingers separate the dough into a loop

6. Drop it into the boiling water. Repeat this until the dough runs out.

7. Boil for a few more minutes to cook the dough

8. Remove enough noodles for one serving and place in a bowl Stir-fry the marinated ingredients (including marinade liquid. There should be plenty) until the meat is cooked

Add the following and continue cooking for a minute:

1 cup chopped scallion (reserve some for garnish) bean sprouts, thinly sliced red onion

Add to the noodles with some cooking liquid. Garnish with green onion.

You can substitute commercial Egg Roll Wrappers and slice them into 1-1/2 inch strips and cook quickly (2 minutes) in simmering water or stock.

Serves 6

God Damned Fool Salsa


God Dammed Fool Salsa







5 red bell peppers (coarsely chopped). Seeds and skin removed.

3 plum tomatoes. Fresh or canned (if fresh peel skin)

½ white onion (chopped. Reserve 1/3 chopped fine)

2 clove garlic (chopped fine)

15 – 30 scotch bonnet chopped. Reserve 2, chopped fine.[1]

8 pickled Habenaro chopped. Reserve 2, chopped fine.[2]

4 Serrano or Jalapeno (chopped fine)

2 tbs Tabasco

2 tbs tomato paste

Tsp sea salt

Tsp black pepper

  1. Remove most of the seeds from the bell peppers. Place the bell peppers in a blender or food processor and pulse to a coarse pulp.
  2. Place the bell pepper pulp in a strainer and let all of the excess liquid drain (approximately 15 min.)
  3. Cook the bell pepper over low heat but do not boil. Approximately 15 min.
  4. Chop the tomatoes and add to the warm bell pepper pulp. Set a side to cool.
  5. Remove seeds from the scotch bonnet peppers and chop. (Mince two scotch bonnet chilies and reserve.)
  6. Rinse the pickled Habenaro peppers in cold water. Remove seeds from the Habenaro peppers and chop. (Mince two Habenaro chilies and reserve.)
  7. Place all of the remaining chopped ingredients in a food processor and pulse to a coarse pulp. Do not over process. It should still be very chucky when done.
  8. Mix the two pulps together and add the Tabasco, tomato paste, sea salt and black pepper.
  9. Cook until it just starts to boil. Remove from heat and let cool.
  10. Add the reserved finely chopped ingredients.
  11. Let sit at least over night, but 3 days is better.
Makes about 1 1/2 quarts

[1] You can use all Habenaro or all Scotch bonnet. If Habenaro are used the salsa will be hotter.

[2] You can substitute all fresh Habenaro.

Chef Yeoj Wins Ion Chef Galaxy!


By Broga (Galactic News)

Menkar 8, Edo 5 – 20 GY: 9:26 PM, local time

Today, Chef Yeoj defeated his terran opponent in a battle between two culinary giants. We spoke to the chef at the jump port on his way back to his restaurant and asked him about his victory.

Chef Yeoj, what did you think of competing in kitchen arena?

“Well, it was a lot faster than I imagined. I just did the best I could. Good to have a chance to compete”

Chef what do you have to say about your victory over your opponent?

“He was a great competitor. I was lucky to get the win. Sorry about the mess.”

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